


Dante's Journal

by Asphodel_Sky



Series: Let my soul smile through my heart [1]
Category: Devil May Cry
Genre: Dante's POV, Diary/Journal, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Cannibalism, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Mundus is His Own Warning, POV First Person, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Worth Issues, Sex, Survivor Guilt, Wrongful Imprisonment, Yandere Mundus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-06
Updated: 2019-10-19
Packaged: 2020-11-23 18:55:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 3,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20894495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asphodel_Sky/pseuds/Asphodel_Sky
Summary: The only reason I'm writing this is if I don't do that, I will go absolutely, batshit, trigger-happyinsane.





	1. Chapter 1

The only reason I'm writing this is if I don't do that, I will go absolutely, batshit, trigger-happy _insane_. And it's been barely a few days in this whole sharing a mind thing. But Mundus is driving me up to wall, and because I can't exactly kill him here, because of some mind bullshit, I'm stuck with him here.

It's not like anyone will read this journal, because as I mentioned earlier, I'm in <strike>my own mind</strike> our shared mind right now, so what I write here, stays here. Period. Unless there are demons that can take books out of my head, but I highly doubt that.

Anyway, we're stuck here with that fake papermache of a God because of me. I sealed us both away, mostly because this is the only big ass seal I know how to make that I'm gonna have enough power to make in the heat of a battle to power it up and, most importantly, is _the easiest_ to make in the middle of the battle. And just so we're clear, it's _hard enough_ to draw a big array when the gigantic statue is shooting lasers from its eyes at you. I do NOT recommend that. But yeah, that seal has a one, tiny, itty bitty drawback — the person making it is also sealed away with the one that is intended to be trapped in it. But unfortunately, I didn't have any other choice and had to use this one.

So. Now I'm stuck here. With _Mundus_ of all people. And this fucker can't stop calling me Sparda, even when I go feral on his ass for that afterwards.

Actually, I'm still dueling with him right now. Being in one's mind gives you that advantage that you can be in many places at the same time. So, I'm here, but also I'm dueling with Mundus, and I'm having a screaming match with him, and also I'm arguing with him. All in the same time.

But the 'me' is now here, writing this. How should I call it… my consciousness is here, my sense of 'I' is here, while the rest of my copies doesn't have it. As one guy whom I met said:"They just knows. But you _know_ that you know" and it's the best description of what is going on with me and three more me, even if the guy meant the difference between animals and humans in theological sense. They just know. _I_ know that I know.

Gotta stop there, I need to deliver one ass kicking that deserves my _full_ attention.


	2. Chapter 2

Three weeks in. 

Mundus doesn't stop calling me 'Sparda', no matter how many times I blow up his head with my beloved guns. But I'm not gonna stop trying to make him say _my name_. Not father's, not brother's if he ever fancied that one, but _mine_. I am my own person, and he's not going to take it away from me. I spend too long figuring out who I am, and I'm not gonna give my identity up without a fight. 

In other news, there's really not that much going on, although recently I was able to access Mundus' memories. It was completely by accident, but… I saw father there. He was in his true form, standing in front of Mundus, taking the sword that is a symbol of being the first general in Hell Army. And Mundus was… so happy, I was disgusted by it. The last thing I want for this bastard is to feel happiness. But even then, I still couldn't stop myself from viewing them. 

I _finally_ have some more information about dad that aren't just stories about him, and even if the source is no good at all, it is at least reliable. The mind doesn't lie — or at least, it doesn't lie in a way that would make those memories fake. I read somewhere that our brains are constantly lying to us, like for example by making up what the eye sees in the eye's blind spot, and similar things,but that's beside the point. 

That viewing of his memories didn't last long, because in the next second I was aware that Mundus, too, was able to access my _own_ memories, and I saw blood in my eyes. 

If viewing his memories and learning about dad before he even was in Human World comes to at price of _Mundus_ viewing my memories, then I don't want to see them at all. 

I won't let him breach my privacy more than he already did and continues to do, with all of his attempts at touching my hand outside our duels or putting his hand on my hip, or trying to kiss me.


	3. Chapter 3

It turns out we can't exactly stop viewing each other's memories. 

I don't know about Mundus, but I tried _everything_ I could think of, but nothing worked. I just have to accept I'm going to see _a lot_ of Mundus memories, and he is going to see mine. 

I don't like it at all. 

But I learn a lot of things about Sparda, before he rebelled and… he seems to be an okay guy, for a person that was sent on war after war, to conquer and to kill the enemies of the emperor. Dad's knowledge reminds me of how Vergil used to read his books; his fighting reminds me of how I fight, with how he mocks his enemies. I might even pick up some moves he has, to improve my own four core styles. He definitely had some very interesting ideas that will suit nicely with Sword Master and Gunslinger. 

It's been five weeks since we became roommates, or maybe rather _mindmates_ and not much has actually changed, we're still having screaming matches, we're still dueling with each other, we're arguing, but recently we also just sit moodily with each other, not talking at all. And, of course, we're looking into each other's memories. 

Speaking about memories, I miss eating pizza. I miss eating my sundaes and listening to the jukebox. I miss Lady, and Trish too, just a little. I wonder how they're doing. Would Lady even know that I'm sealed here? And what about Trish, will she be able to find a place for herself? 

I should stop worrying. It's not like I'm getting out of the seal anytime soon, or ever. 

The seal has made a ward around Mundus' and mine's bodies, and _no one_, except for a member of my family, will be able to breach it. The only people that would be able to do that would be my parents and Vergil, and I know all of them are dead. There's no one out there that's related to me by blood, so there's no escape for me or Mundus. 

We're gonna be here for the rest of eternity. 

And it's going to be a _long_ eternity, because this guy just keeps. Trying. To. Touch. Me. And killing him doesn't exactly work, because he'll just reform, and killing _me_ yields the same results, so there's no break for me, which _sucks balls_. 

I truly just can’t wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought about putting them up everyday until I hit 9th chapter, but I changed my mind and I'll just post them every few hours until I run out of chapters


	4. Chapter 4

I'm learning a lot from Mundus’ memories, but _for what price_? 

I did _not_ wanted to know that my dad is Mundus' ex boyfriend. 

I did _not_ wanted to see them having sex. 

I am officially scarred for the rest of my life. I want to bleach my brain. _Please_.


	5. Chapter 5

Mundus is a sick motherfucking _psycho_. 

If he ever had thought he'll be able to keep Sparda to himself when he locks him up in that fucking castle and won't let him out, he was in for a _big_ surprise. 

Even without counting the whole "conquering the Human World to enslave the humanity", dad was right to break up with Mundus. Even if this break up was probably a break up of the millennia, with an aftermath of sealing a whole world away, and labeling Sparda as a traitor. 

If there is one, just _one_ thing that dad and I have in common, it is that we love our freedom. We want to do what we want to, and be where we want to. Of _course_ we're going to be absolutely _pissed_ when someone tries to lock us up without our consent. 

And not only that, but _forcing_ himself on dad? Trying to _eat him alive to become one?_ Making dad eat _his_ flesh? Trying to bring him gifts made from _human bones and demon bodies?_ Dressing him up like a doll, making him a fucking living puppet? Trying to magically chain Sparda to the wall, so he won't escape? Trying to enforce a _blood bond?_ Constantly _emotionally manipulating and gaslighting_ dad? Trying to bring out the Stockholm Syndrome in him? Actually fucking _crucifying_ Sparda? 

I know father was a devil, but that had to be too much even for him. There is only so much a sane man, or devil, can take, and Mundus had crossed all the boundaries he could. 

Hating Mundus always came naturally for me, but now… 

He absolutely _disgust_ me. I want to make him feel _pain_. For what he's done to mom; for what he's done to Vergil; and now, for what he's done to dad. 

He will pay for all of that.


	6. Chapter 6

I don't want to be here, I don't want to be here, I don't want to be here, _I don't want to be here,_, please, please, _pleasepleaseplease**please**getmeoutofhereI'm**goinginsane**!!! _

_ Just get me away from this psycho _


	7. Chapter 7

The imagination is a powerful thing when you're trapped in a mind, I learnt. Because of it, I can make Mundus suffer in a lot of ways. And because of his own memories, I can use some of the techniques on him, which is pretty ironic. I use tricks on him that he used on his own victims, Vergil included. 

I won't be describing them here. If I do that, I might feel guilty, and the last thing I want to give Mundus is my pity. He doesn't deserve it. 

But, unfortunately, I can only do that when I emerge from the duel as a winner, otherwise it is Mundus who uses those tricks on me. And not only those tricks. He has a particular fondness of dressing me up, just like with dad. I can't exactly make him stop — even if we're in the mind, the limitations still apply to us, and if my brain decides it's tired, then it's tired, and usually that happens when I was defeated by Mundus, which means I don't have any strength to prevent him from dolling me up. He especially liked Victorian and Edwardian fashion on me. I only recognise those because with Lady we were watching some documentary about that while drinking beer as a way to relax after the tough job. 

Mundus didn't try anything else just yet. 

I wonder, if dad was in the situation I'm in, what he would do?


	8. Chapter 8

The time surely moves fast, when you have _so much fun_. 

I gave up on making Mundus say my name instead of dad's. I know I shouldn't, but I'm just so, _so tired_. And the novelty of killing Mundus over and over, and _over_ again has worn off after the first few months. 

And just as he still insists on calling me Sparda, he also still insist on touching me. Usually he just puts his hand on my arm, rarely he does so on my waist. I usually try chop his arm off with Rebellion and then shoot him until he resembles Swiss cheese I'm the same second he puts that fucking hand on me. 

Also, I recently learnt how to make spectral weapons from my powers, just like Vergil did. I wonder, could he take one of his swords and use it instead of Yamato, like I do it sometimes? His spectral swords were more of an aid than anything else, really. I want use them to their fullest potential, not just as an aid, but also as a main weapon. A little like Devil Arms. 

Now that I think of it… maybe, just maybe I should see if I can make weapons other than spectral swords from my power, maybe like an arch, or maybe a gun? But maybe I should start with something simpler, like a dagger — because it seems my default is Force Edge look alikes, so maybe I should start with something still resembling the main weapon. Then, when I master it, I can start on making it look like another type of weapon, and then try out more complicated designs, like guns, which have mechanisms in them that swords and arches and many other weapons don't have. 

Maybe when I make those daggers and then differently looking swords, I should try out making a Guan-Dao? 

But that's the idea for another day. 

In the meanwhile, when my consciousness isn't busy with kicking Mundus' ass or screaming at him, I'm working on constructing a new fighting style inspired by deaf old pops. It's very, _very_ slow going, it's gonna take me much longer than usual to make it workable. 

I just wish I can go home.


	9. Chapter 9

If I let Mundus touch me for two seconds his guard startles for a fraction, which is very much enough to stab him with my new spectral daggers and make a lot of holes in him. Because of that, for some time I've been winning almost all of our duels, and I'll continue to do so until he learns the countermeasures, then I'll find a new way to pin him down to the floor, and so on and so forth. 

Our arguments don't go that much better. Often we just throw insults on each other, so much that I have to think up really elaborate ways, because simply calling him 'a fucking psycho' is simply not cutting it anymore. 

But we're not only throw around insults, we also argue about different subjects — from a stupid 'my favourite food is better than yours' ,through 'you're a poohead and that's why', to the arguments about our philosophies, what we believe, our ideals and such. Oh, and let's not forget about arguments about fighting styles — those always end with explosions. 

Mundus, I learnt, believes in reincarnation. He believes in migration of soul, and for some reason, he believes _I_ have Sparda's soul now, which is absolutely ridiculous. _How_ would that thing be possible, if we were both alive at some point of time, for _a few years?_

But Mundus doesn't listen to me, of course. No one really does — except for Lady, sometimes, when she's in a good mood or sufficiently drunk. 

Most of people see me and think they have me figured out. Some guy, a daredevil with happy-go-lucky character, whose hygiene should really improve. And usually, I don't mind that, I'll go as far as to say I _want_ that, because really, it just works for me just fine, people don't put a pressure on me because they done _expect_ I would take anything seriously. 

It really makes a number on you when your opinion is immediately dismissed on a subject that is _important_ to you. They don't listen, because there's just _no way_ you have any experiences with anything sad, or even if you had, then you surely didn't recognised the signs, right? 

_Wrong_. 

Back then, at least I had Lady to talk to about it, and we would both bitch about stupid people, but here I really don't have anyone to talk to to lower my stress and anxiety levels. To bitch about Mundus, to let myself finally _relax_. Maybe eat some good pizza, open a cold beer and watch bad horror movies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last in that batch, 'til the next time =)


	10. Chapter 10

It's been a while since I've written here, but… 

It's been a rough few years here. 

Everything went downhill since I let Mundus touch me. I think it was his plan all along — making me think it's a good idea, because then I would have an upper hand in hurting him and consequently, winning the duel. 

But, because of that, I get used to them. I got used to his hand on my shoulder first, then a hand on my waist, then his one arm around me, then two, hugging me from behind… 

Really, it was only a matter of time before I let Mundus do so much worse than that. 

I feel dirty now. Tainted. I hate myself for letting him do as he pleased. I should have known he's just going to do what he wasn't able to do with father. I am so, _so_ stupid. 

At first we had clothed sex. Just grinding against each other, nothing big, really. But, just like with touches, he was working to get me naked and on his mercy as soon as he was able to. 

I hate that I wasn't really able to stop him. 

Again, it started slowly. First was glove, then the second one, then my boots, then the coat, then the vest, shirt, belt, trousers, underwear. And with each layer gone, he was uncovering himself too. 

In what felt no time at all, he was riding me. 

Later on, he started fucking me. And he started doing other things that barely seven years ago I would stab him for even entertaining the idea. 

All of that in the same maddening slowness. 

And I fucking _let_ him, like some kind of _fool_ Vergil always said I am. 

He probably would have a strong opinion about what I let happen. He probably would say I'm a disgrace to the name of Sparda, and he probably would be right. Hell, he tried to kill me _before_ I was able to fall that low. 

Who knows, maybe that's why he never really liked me to begin with.


	11. Chapter 11

It is a very twisted thing when I feel I don't hate Mundus as much anymore. 

Or rather, I still hate him just as much as before, but before it was a pure hate, and now I'm feeling more emotions towards him. Not love, I don't think it'll ever be love, but rather a weird sort of companionship? Can't really describe it in any way. 

He's the only person I was able to talk to in years now. 

Can't really imagine how it would be if he ever disappears. 

As much as I hate it when we fight, when we argue, when we talk, when we view each other's memories, when we sit in silence together, when we fuck, that we're in the same place for longer than a day or two even, I just… 

I've grown accustomed to it. I usually just write it off as 'our thing' and that's it. 

Besides, when he wants, he can be pretty charming too. And his kisses are great. And sex is pretty great too, even if Mundus forces himself on me. I'm used to it by now, that my feelings will be disregarded no matter what, so I might as well try and enjoy the ride, right?


	12. Chapter 12

It's rather weird, that Mundus does the exact same things to me as he did to Sparda. It's as if he's never learnt from his experience before, that if you try to cage a Sparda, it usually doesn't end well for you. Dad has sealed him away in the Underworld when he tried that shit on him, and even if Vergil didn't really had a chance for revenge, I continue to kick his ass in his name. And in mom's name, and dad's name too. For my family. And a little bit for me, for what he constantly does to me. 

<strike>Seeing how his body is torn apart, dismembered, muscles torn apart, his blood on his body is a hypnotic sight.</strike>

But, is it really his fault that I give him what he wants, no matter how reluctant I am to do so? Is it really his fault that I am so easy for him? 

I think it's really my fault. I let him do whatever he wants with me. My efforts to stop him weren't even close to be enough. 

It's my fault. Every tragedy that happened to me, it's my fault and my fault only. I'm never strong enough to protect mother, I'm never fast enough to catch Vergil. I'm never smart enough to stop dad from leaving us. 

I'm so sorry, mom, dad, Vergil.


	13. Chapter 13

I was able to make a bow from my power. Just like dad could do at some point. It surprised Mundus, but after 10 seconds he looked so fucking _happy_ when I did that, that I literally saw red and killed him in the next 30 seconds by making a Swiss cheese out of his body. 

Oh, how I hate seeing his stupid face when he's so happy. It's absolutely disgusting and creepy. It gives me chills <strike>I'm just not sure what kind of chills</strike>. 

But I have to admit, after that sex was pretty mind-blowing. Is he trying 'treat and punishment' kind of thing with me? I hope he knows that from all the things, that one is not going to work on me. Being constantly with him here is enough of a punishment, nothing he can do can make my punishment even _worse_ than it already is. 

<strike>I'm wondering if Mundus used the same tricks on dad. But dad had one advantage that I don't have: he could run away anytime he wanted. I can't.</strike>


	14. Chapter 14

I just want him to leave me alone, sometimes. 

Sometimes, I want him to beat me up so much I just can't shake of the rage and hate I feel towards him. 

Sometimes, I want him to stay still when I am beating him up. 

Sometimes, I _want_ him to fuck me up. Or just fuck me, either or. Or just sit with me in silence. The things we always do. That routine became a soothing thing for me, weirdly relaxing, even if I'm constantly tense. 

_What the hell is wrong with me?_


	15. Chapter 15

I don't feel like kind of man mom or dad wanted me to be. I didn't feel that for a long time, now.

They wouldn't be proud of me. 

Vergil wouldn't be proud of me too. But _that_ is not really surprising, he was constantly disappointed in me when we were both teenagers. He was, as usual, right in that. 

Maybe I should've died back on Temen-Ni-Gru. Everyone would be happy then. Vergil would be still alive and would have dad's powers, Arkham would still probably biting the dust, but Lady would be glad he's gone. Mundus wouldn't be trapped here with me. 

Surprisingly a lot of things would be better if only I wasn't there. But I _was_ there, so I just have to deal with it. 

How low have I fell. Vergil would probably be disgusted by me. Or he would be happy to see me like that and just do something to destroy me completely. I would let him do that. 

I don't think it I'll write another entry. The writing doesn't help at all. I'm done with it. I'm done with pretty much everything, but I feel like I'm not allowed to give up, if only because I feel I owe my family, Lady and Trish that much. 

I won't give up, just for them. 

But if my fighting is a little less spirited and conviction isn't a burning fire anymore, well. That's just for me to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
  
<strike>You actually can see three dried up tears on the paper on the last page</strike>  
  


**Author's Note:**

> My [Twitter](https://twitter.com/AsphodelSky?s=09), where I retweet stuff and sometimes scream into the void


End file.
